Good morning ladies & gentlemen. Welcome aboard IGN’s worst flight in movie history, populated by everyone you don’t want to see at the boarding gate. To your left are people being brutally torn apart by zombies, to your right are killer terrorists. In the inevitable event of an accident, you’ll die screaming with sharp things in you. The exits are frankly unlikely to be needed, and safety instructions are pointless. The in-flight movie will be this week’s new release, the Neeson-starring Non-Stop. We hope you enjoy your flight with us…
Protecting the passengers is a lot easier if you’re not the one they’re needing to be saved. Unfortunately for Marshall Bill Marks, he’s been specially set up as a murderous hijacker by someone else on the plane. Luckily for Marks and his oblivious charges, he’s played by ActionNeeson2.0, who promptly goes into looking, finding, killing mode.
As Played By: Liam Neeson in Non-Stop.
What’s scarier: That the pilot is a coked-up drunk; that the plane is going down like a Premier League striker in the penalty area; or that it’s quite possible the pilot could only save the plane thanks to drunk logic masquerading as instinct? Alright, it’s the plane plummeting, isn’t it, but having Captoholic nodding off at the controls isn’t exactly a comforting thought.
As Played By: Denzel Washington in Flight.
Robert Foxworth in Airport 77.
Your co-pilot should be the epitome of staunch reliability – think Chewbacca, or Roger Murdock, or God. Bob Chambers did not get that memo, as he plots to sleeping gas his passengers and then hijack an art-laden 747 while they doze. Instead he drops the plane into the drink after hitting an oil rig. We guess there’s a reason he’s just the co-pilot.
As Played By: Robert Foxworth in Airport ’77.
Everyone’s got something they’d rather keep in the closet. The poor stewardess doesn’t realise that she’s got the undead stuck in hers. She unwittingly unleashes a rapid outbreak of the altitude-cruising dead, who swarm through the plane until Timotei Brad Pitt uses a grenade to create a new emergency exit to your left. Please leave the plane in a disorderly, suction-powered fashion.
As Consumed By: Elen Rhys in World War Z.
Tried the fish?
Meat or fish? Doing for airplane fish dinners what heroin did for Keith Richards’ face, the menu options on the Air Canada Flight 714 leave half the passengers and – more crucially – the flight crew experiencing heavy intestine turbulence, with only sweaty, traumatized loser Ted Stryker left capable of flying the plane (yes, ZAZ were watching). Should have gone for the lasagne…
As Played By: Zero Hour!
Surely you can’t be serious? A great in-flight medical emergency requires a great doctor up to the task. The Trans American Airlines Flight 209 to Chicago has straight-faced legend Dr Rumack instead, whose double-tap ‘calming’ policy suggests his medical certificate was a mail-order. And don’t call him Shirley.
As Played By: Leslie Nielsen in Airplane!
John Lithgow, having a very bad day in The Twilight Zone.
Rule number one of passenger seating: don’t give the skidmarker the big view. Unfortunately our Mr Valentine starts to imagine that a bug-eyed gremlin is sitting on the wing and sabotaging the plane (or is it sabotaaaaging the plane? Only his predecessor Bill Shatner knows). But is it really a hallucination? You never know what might be wandering through the scary door…
As Played By: John Lithgow in Twilight Zone: The Movie.
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